The other day Hemant at Friendly Atheist asked readers who planned to vote Republican to share their reasons. It was a great idea, and the answers are fascinating. Not remotely convincing to me at least, but fascinating all the same (really, it's definitely worth a read).
But since I wasn't convinced, I decided to write up a list of my own for each candidate, as a kind of thought experiment.
5 Reasons to Support Ted Cruz
1. He whines like a baby when he doesn't get his way. And everyone knows that babies are adorable. #CryBaby #SoPresidential
2. He eats his own boogers. Little kids are generally cute. Eating boogers is something little kids sometimes do. Granted, that was stomach turning, but, you know, points for trying. #BoogerEater #YumYum
3. It's not that, policy-wise, he's any less xenophobic or sexist than Trump. On the contrary, he's fanatically opposed to women even having reproductive rights, while Trump seems content to target their access to utilize those rights. But Trump's ego and crassness are insufferable and, honestly, scary. He's a legend in his own mind -- a blustering, orange legend. Whereas Cruz preaches that God has handpicked him for a mission to save the nation and return it to the Lord (hallelujah!); and that mission just so happens to coincide with his longterm political ambitions. In short, God himself has chosen Ted Cruz to be president. Which is totally cool, then, since it comes from God. #NotScaryAtAll #ReligiousMegalomania
4. Equality and tolerance? Not so much. Cruz's ideas of rights are that Christians have the rights the constitution guarantees and then some, and women and LGBT people just shut up and deal. Because "religious freedom" means Christians are above the law. But, damn it, women do NOT have a right to control their own bodies, and anti-discrimination measures to protect LGBT people are persecution. Also, he hates immigrants big time. As in, this was the cornerstone of his quest to prove that he's the One True Conservative: Ted Cruz hates immigrants more than any other Republican. So if depriving other people of their rights is your thing, Ted has worked hard to convince you that he's the president for you. #RightsForMeButNotForThee
5. War, what is it good for? Carpet bombing, obviously! Granted, it's pretty much Republican policy at this point to want to stroke the national ego by killing Muslims somewhere, but some Republicans are just a little more Republican than others. So if endless Middle East "interventions" aren't enough for you, but war crimes might just fit the bill, Cruz may just be the guy for you. (Also: see Donald Trump). #WarCrimes #WhyNot
So if war -- holy war and literal war -- are your thing, if you don't give a shit about equality -- or better yet, actively oppose it -- and prefer a megalomaniac who believes his ambitions are actually God's, Ted Cruz is the candidate for you.
Next up...reasons to vote for Donald Trump and Marco Rubio.