Sunday, March 6, 2016

5 Reasons to Support Marco Rubio

Part 2 of my why-to-vote-Republican series. (See part one: Reasons to Support Ted Cruz)

5 Reasons to Support Marco Rubio

1. No one addresses the important issues facing our nation quite like Marco Rubio. Issues like Donald Trump's, erm, hand size. (Bonus points for originality in being the only person alive who has ever voluntarily contemplated Donald Trump's penis). Think about it. Without Marco Rubio, we wouldn't have had a national conversation about Donald Trump's dick size. What a loss to our national discourse. #DickJokes #TheImportantStuff

2. Dogged determination. So far Rubio has only two wins. Only two. But he's still optimistic. If champions of lost causes are your thing, Rubio's your guy. #LostCauses

3. Marco Rubio is polite and polished. He doesn't come across as a smarmy preacher or a crass reality TV star like the GOP's leading candidates, so this may not actually be a selling point for conservative voters. But let's run with it for a minute. Marco Rubio puts a nice face on. But policy-wise, he's as much of a monster as the worst of them. And he too is okay with legalized discrimination. In short, he's less slimy and less crass than Cruz and Trump, but he's really just polite Cruz and Trump. #SmilingCruz #PoliteTrump

4. He's not actually Trump and he's not actually Cruz. This really doesn't need further explanation. #NotTrump #NotCruz

5.He's the only not-Trump and not-Cruz candidate who has a flying chance in hell. Kasich's outward persona is even more moderate than Rubio (although he's nothing of the sort), but his long shot makes Rubio's looks downright plausible. So let's hear it for #FalseHope

So if you're looking for someone to tout the new Republican party line, to hate all the right people, but politely, without frightening children or bursting your eardrums, and who may sort-of-kind-of have a chance in hell, Rubio may be the guy.

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